The Delicate Art…
…of rocking your baby to sleep*
Haha…No. It won’t be like this.
*Disclaimer: Not legitimate advice. Don't take advice from random weirdos on the internet.
Step 1. Encourage baby to self soothe
As we all know because the internet tells us, we shouldn't get into the habit of rocking our babies to sleep because they'll need that assistance forever. I mean, how many of our friends have to go around to their adult children's houses every night to rock them to sleep? And how many of us have to rock our partners to sleep because otherwise they'll be awake all night, crying?
But besides that, nobody can deny that being able to put a baby in a crib at night and let them just chat themselves to sleep isn't a great option, so let's try the self-soothing first.
Here's how it usually goes for me: 1. Place baby in crib. 2. Baby looks at you suspiciously 3. Attempt to leave room. 4. Baby protests. 5 Linger by crib talking to baby like they understand anything you're saying. Speaking of saying things, you could try the below, straight out of my playbook:
'Go on. Go on. Sleep is lovely. I love sleep. I'd sleep all day if I could. Well, not right now because I have to watch TV. It's a requirement of adulthood. Why don't you go to sleep? What if Mama is more soothing? Ssssshhhh.... Is this soothing enough? SsssssshhhhhhhhhhSSSSSSSHHHHHHH. Not soothing enough? Too soothing? Go on and sleep. Go on. Yes, look at your hand. Your hand is very interesting. It's a very interesting hand.... Keep on looking at that hand while I just... Oh no don't cry! I wasn't leaving I swear, oh poor baby....here I'll cuddle you.
Step 2: When Self-Soothing Fails, Try Rocking Baby
'Do YOU know how to self-soothe, Mama?'
Listen, you've got to cram your entire adult life into these two hours in the evening, so stop mucking about and get the baby to sleep.
Pick that little charmer up and rock them.
What are you doing? That's gentle rocking. They're laughing at you. You have to rock them like they're on a swing but like, side to side. Big movements. Also put a little bounce in it. Walk back and forth swinging them like they're on a hammock in the wind while also protecting their heads and holding them close and also bounce. Bounce up and down. One foot to the other. Do different moves. Keep them guessing. They fucking love that.
Or they get so sick of you arsing about they just pretend to be asleep. Either way their eyes are closed. Time for the transition.
Step 3. Put Baby Gently into Bed
No, not like this
Keep moving and, while still bopping slightly, geeeeeennnnntly place baby onto their bed. Very slowly. Slower than a snail. A snail on valium. Just real nice and slow, okay? Don't eff this up now.
You've done it!
Step 4: Realise Baby is Still Awake
‘Going somewhere…?’
Turns out they WERE just fucking with you. Haha. That crazy little tyke.
Pick baby up and restart the rocking procedure. The good news is they'll fall asleep a lot quicker this time. The bad news is you'll be so scared of them waking again that you'll keep rocking them for ages anyway.
Step 5: Put Baby Down Again and Get the Heck Outta There!
No, not like this.
Baby is down and asleep. Sweet! Tiptoe like a motherfucking badass ninja to the door. Freedom beckons. Woohoo! This is how we do it bitches!!
Step 6: Step on Extra Creaky Floorboard
‘Nice work, dickhead.’
You stupid son of a dumbass.
Pick up crying, overtired baby and start the rocking process again. Now even baby is judging you. Don't worry. This is normal. This is training for the lifetime of judgment they will send our way when they hit adolescence.
Step 7: Wonder if You'll Ever Leave this Room
This could be it. Forever. These four walls. This baby. Swaying back and forth. Back and forth. Baby might never sleep. Arm hurts. Shoulder hurts. Brain hurts. Why? Why me? If husband starts watching TV without me I'll start divorce proceedings. This is his fault. I'm not sure how. But it is.
Where was I?
Oh yeah. Purgatory.
Step 8: Put Baby in Bed Again.
When time has lost all meaning and you can literally feel your bones atrophy, it might be time to try to put baby down again.
Very slowly put baby in bed. First the bum then the head, so as not to cause the dreaded startle reflex. Oh boy. That's a lesson you don't need to repeat.
You've done it! The baby gives a little stretch and a tiny protest and they're out for the count. Boom!
They look like a happy little cactus. Aw. Bless.
Step 9: Realise Your Hand is Trapped Under Baby's Head.
This is your life now.
Sorry.
